This will teach them to underestimate me
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
#winning
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO