*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
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GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.