Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.