Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Mornin
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
😬