Every time my phone rings
You Might Also Like
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.