Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds