You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Doggies just call it style.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.