Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.