Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.