What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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I’M CRYINGGG
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
much to think about
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.