Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
spicy snake
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]