PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
reduce, reuse, recycle
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.