Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
You Might Also Like
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?