ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.