My neck, my back, my…
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
That’s no pocket rocket.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”