Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids