me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Saturday
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.