[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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This kid is a star!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again