Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
brian had himself a morning…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
yeet
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird