You can’t make this shit up š©
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[fumbling with my phone as Iām being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summerā¦
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Moses: Yo, I think you typoād this tablet, āThou shall not Billā?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Itās Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My neighbor said āI don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.ā
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Iām at the point in my marriage where I canāt tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Can’t stop laughing
Salt canāt be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhereā¦
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
At a doctor appointment:
āStep up on the scaleā
Jokingly, āDo I have to?ā
āNo.ā
āWHAT?!?!āHOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Iām sorry I created a ālegal situationā when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Iām sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I donāt