Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.