My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater