Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
A double negative is a big no-no.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.