if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
What personal space?
My dog
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it