Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake