Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.