one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.