Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.