Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Doctors texting each other.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
And then there were 4
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.