You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”