If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Pass gas, not judgment.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.