Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately