I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!