GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
goldfish mafia
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”