found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
multitasking lunch
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.