Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
lmfao
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move