They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here