There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Natty or not?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles