Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?