Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
PARKOUR
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop