My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.