Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
then why did i get this email
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’ve had worse
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead