i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.