[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
cry laughing at this shit
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.