Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.