The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will