Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…