I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You Might Also Like
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.