Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email