I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
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God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Oh we’ve met.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious